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I hate people. I hate myself more. I'm trying to accept what I can't change and trying to change what I have accepted. But being stuck in my head makes everything I do that much more difficult. Somewhere along the lines I became so out of touch with myself that I don't even know who I really am anymore. Like.... I'm not a real person.
Some days are much harder than others. Its a life or death struggle just to get a hold of myself sometimes. I've lost so much of my instinct that I'm always second guessing myself or telling myself how stupid I am for making yet ANOTHER wrong decision. Seems like no matter what choice I make its always the wrong choice.
I'm just tired of trying to live up to other peoples standards but I'm even more disgusted with myself that I can't even live up to my own standards. I just want to wake up some day and actually have a reason to feel good about my life. I don't ask for much at all.... I just want to love the life I have. I want to be accepted for who I am. I'm just scared I'll never matter to anyone or amount to anything.
There's a part of me that's just so far from being okay that I've learned to enjoy the pain. I'd rather feel the pain than nothing at all because I've long forgotten what it feels like to truly be happy. Its that part of me that makes me feel like I don't even deserve to be happy because I get so lost in my sorrow that I feel guilty for feeling any sort of joy. It has become so much of an unfamiliar concept to me that I've become numb to it almost entirely.
Sometimes I wish I could just die already so I wouldn't have to deal with any of it and could just find peace. And if you don't like me, I don't blame you. I'm a fucking psychopath who is so much of drain to be around that I can't even be left alone with myself. And yes, this is how I really am. I keep myself locked away for everyone else's protection. I'm not alright. But I sure as hell am trying to be. I just convince myself to take it day by day. Just hope it doesn't take my whole life to find the happiness I was meant for. I know I am my own worst enemy. "To concur oneself is a greater victory than concurring thousands in battle."
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2. |
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The funny thing about nicotine is how you think you are in control;
Your first intake planted the seed to grow into the addiction tree.
The demon all know fun and games, of course they make you feel good;
They are parasites, not your friend, that's what I thought before they got me--
And they argue, "We didn't get you! No one can make you do what you don't want to!
You were born, and so you are living-- of course, you'll die soon, with or without me!"
They are pretty good at convincing people who don't want to think.
I give them my attention and they are the awe-inspiring, but--
I don't like the demen inside my soul
I don't like the demen inside my soul
I don't like the demen inside my soul
I don't like the demen inside my soul
ZZaidin Ravfn hears them hacking;
can't stop clearing their throat or dipping.
Need some water to rinse out their cavity;
Can't see a dentist 'cause they spent all their money--
Their will, their health, their time
Supporting this habit of mine.
The demon don't care if you live or die,
They devalue time, the essence of life.
They exist only in your mind,
and theyre so strong, because youre so weak.
You will never obtain what it is you want the most
Because you are so weak
May cancer take you away
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3. |
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I feel like shit, I want to cut my neck. i just keep thinking of blood everywhere and all i can think of that is, that would be beautiful. i'd be so pretty painted on the walls. i'm kinda sure that's a fucked up idea to have. I know that other people are fucked up. I also think they're better than me. Stronger or something. I don't know.
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4. |
No Reason (feat. drowsy)
03:30
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It's 4AM. And I'm tired, and I couldn't sleep and I feel silly. I don't know what I feel at this point. I don't know if I'm tired or crying for no reason and I feel silly, and I wish I didn't have to deal with this.
I don't know what's going on. I'm just... I... I don't know. I don't even know how to contextualize is. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to do art. I don't know how to... sing or... damn it. I just feel stupid. There's no reason why I should be upset. I just wanna... fuck. I just wanna be happy. I just don't... I don't know why I'm sad. It's so hard to move and do anything, and I don't know why.
There's no reason for it, and that's whats so scary. There's absolutely no reason for it, and I just can't stop being so sad.
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5. |
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last night my fiance took benzos and attempted to kill me. he also slashed his arm open after his parents rescued me from him choking and suffocating me. i love him so much. but. im at a breaking point. i know sober him would never hurt me. i had to struggle out from getting a 230lb 6 foot tall man from suffocating me. it felt like it took forever for his parents to hear me screaming for help.
i really was close to being murdered last night, by the person i love. i wish he had killed me, then i wouldnt be dealing with the aftermath.
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6. |
Dobby (feat. ⒜ＬＰＨＡ»»)
01:25
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I miss my dog. He brought me so much joy. He was always there. And now I shall never see him again save for in my dreams. If when I die and there is some vast After and he is there waiting for me, to come running down like he always did when I opened the door, then that'll be OK too.
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7. |
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I have so many thoughts in my head. things don't make sense. too much talking. people spreading things that aren't true. school is shit. work is tolerable. I don't sleep anymore. I don't want to bother anyone. I make things worse. lowkey really want to hurt myself but that would be starting over again with being three years free from a blade. crying every day and night the past week. I can't get comfortable with a friend without it being taken the wrong way, and then they're just gone. I joke about killing myself. but lately it's not sarcastic. being told "it could be worse". yeah well I'm at my worst right now.
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The anxiety became so overwhelming that I grew to be paralyzed by the fear. It exhausted me everyday. I was tired, and I couldn't finish my school work. I had no more motivation and yet I would worry so much that I couldn't sleep. I would constantly wake up in night sweats. I just couldn't keep up with life anymore. I gave up. I was unmotivated. I withdrew from the world. I thought that feeling would never end. year after year, it got worse and worse. I had no feeling of purpose or motivation to get up and out of my bed.
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Dear Self-harm, we were good together. We were a balancing act on a razor wire tightrope. I bled from my feet but you made me keep going until I either got to the other side or fell off the edge. You wanted to make me famous. A side show attraction that everyone could gawk at. I was a bearded lady or lobster clawed man but you didn't care. You loved me just as I was...broken. The first time I lied for you, I attempted to put make up on fresh wounds. Told my mom and dad that I'd been playing a little too roughly with the cat and I hid behind the suspension of a balancing act. The first time I acted on your suggestions, I had to promise myself that it was for my own good. Had to convince myself that no one would ever know. But, I knew. And as the guilt grew and grew I knew I'd have to release myself from this suspension of disbelief. I had come to believe that nothing was wrong with me. And proving myself wrong hurt more than blades ever could so, once more, I hid behind sequined sleeves. Turned my face to the spotlight. Smiled to the audience and realized that I couldn't take the bleeding feet anymore and I jumped off the edge.
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10. |
2012
01:53
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The following events took place over a 6 month period in 2012.
I was eating dinner when my Mom causually mentions she heard some sad news. She asked if I knew Alex. I did know Alex, and panicked because my mom spoke in past tense. Turns out she had just died in a car accident. I found someone on the internet to talk to about what I was going through, for emotional support. We started dating, and over time she became my emotional support for everything. One day I get a message from a friend, and learn that something went wrong with her father's surgery. I spent the next few days at the hospital with them until he died. Soon after this my dad had open heart surgery. This scared the hell out of me, but he did live. After the surgery, I took care of him as he recovered from all the drugs they gave him for surgery. He spent weeks in some kind of haze. He was unmanageable, aggressive, and scary. Then I had to deal with 2 more deaths. One from cancer, and the other died in her sleep from unknown causes.
It was around this time I started to come to terms with being transgender. My girlfriend was the only one that ever helped me feel feminine. Calling me her girlfriend, telling me I was pretty. It made me feel wonderful. She was all I had, and then out of nowhere she broke up with me one day. I was screaming and crying "please don't." I had nothing any more. I then started to get death threats. Messages, phone calls. I called the police, but they said there was nothing they could do.
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Aurelia Rocky Mount, North Carolina
nonsense
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