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I Hate Myself (feat. Patchy Keen)

from we're all so lonely and miserable by Aurelia

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lyrics

I hate people. I hate myself more. I'm trying to accept what I can't change and trying to change what I have accepted. But being stuck in my head makes everything I do that much more difficult. Somewhere along the lines I became so out of touch with myself that I don't even know who I really am anymore. Like.... I'm not a real person.
Some days are much harder than others. Its a life or death struggle just to get a hold of myself sometimes. I've lost so much of my instinct that I'm always second guessing myself or telling myself how stupid I am for making yet ANOTHER wrong decision. Seems like no matter what choice I make its always the wrong choice.
I'm just tired of trying to live up to other peoples standards but I'm even more disgusted with myself that I can't even live up to my own standards. I just want to wake up some day and actually have a reason to feel good about my life. I don't ask for much at all.... I just want to love the life I have. I want to be accepted for who I am. I'm just scared I'll never matter to anyone or amount to anything.
There's a part of me that's just so far from being okay that I've learned to enjoy the pain. I'd rather feel the pain than nothing at all because I've long forgotten what it feels like to truly be happy. Its that part of me that makes me feel like I don't even deserve to be happy because I get so lost in my sorrow that I feel guilty for feeling any sort of joy. It has become so much of an unfamiliar concept to me that I've become numb to it almost entirely.
Sometimes I wish I could just die already so I wouldn't have to deal with any of it and could just find peace. And if you don't like me, I don't blame you. I'm a fucking psychopath who is so much of drain to be around that I can't even be left alone with myself. And yes, this is how I really am. I keep myself locked away for everyone else's protection. I'm not alright. But I sure as hell am trying to be. I just convince myself to take it day by day. Just hope it doesn't take my whole life to find the happiness I was meant for. I know I am my own worst enemy. "To concur oneself is a greater victory than concurring thousands in battle."

credits

from we're all so lonely and miserable, released June 28, 2016
Lyrics by Patchy Keen.
Production by Aurelia.

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Aurelia Rocky Mount, North Carolina

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